So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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