Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
