Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
