he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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