I like my sex mixed with concussions.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
