he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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