Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
