he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
