On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
sex in a hospital.. check
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
