im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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