her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
