i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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