Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
