yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
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the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
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Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon