pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
