i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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