There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
