Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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