his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
