There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Come on in and take your pants off
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