I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
