i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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