Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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