There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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