I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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