you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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