Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize