She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
