I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
