Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
