I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
