so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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