you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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