That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
