She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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