Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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