We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
