Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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