he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
