My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I need a burrito and a hug.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
