I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
