You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
