sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
