I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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