One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize