Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
