If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
