She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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