Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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