Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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