sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
