Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
