If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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