It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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