We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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