how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
